This is gonna be a totally spewed out, disorganized post so strap in. There's no limit on tangents. But you know, there's a theory that as the number of tangents reaches infinity, they actually form a circle, bringing you back to where you began?
Ok, that's a total lie. I made that up, but I like to think it's true.
Also, if you're still subscribed to this blog, what are you doing here? I literally come back here like once a year to spew forth the equivalent of Del Taco compared to literally any Mexican restaurant and you still haven't unsubscribed?
This has been riding on my mind for a while. I don't know how new or common the word "empath" is, but in my understanding, an empath is someone who seeks to care for people to a fault. We find fulfillment in feeling the emotions of others and showing that we care by seeking to be a balm in the midst of the struggle. When a friend hurts, we want to know why. We want to help. We want to feel.
This, of course, is not inherently bad. It's why I'm going into medicine. I enjoy diving into the trenches with my patients, understanding not only that their medical condition hurts, but that their relationships are strained, their finances are being stressed, and their mental fortitude is under attack. It's why I spend hours talking to patients to see where they find value in life.
That on top of my enjoyment of meeting new people combines to create a drive to constantly invest in people. I relish in talking to new people in life to get to know their lives, their jobs, their families. I draw energy from that.
I had a discussion with some family recently about relationships, namely romantic relationships but this applies to relationships of all kinds. A metaphor was brought up, that everyone is a bank, a "love bank" if you will. When you begin any kind of relationship with a person, you are opening an account in their bank, and every positive interaction you have with them is a deposit into that account. Deposits can take the form of having fun together, confiding in one another, among other ways. Conversely, a negative interaction is a withdrawal from the account. When you overdraw, there's something wrong with the relationship. You've taken too much - maybe you've taken advantage of the person.
How does this apply to me now? Well... I've opened many accounts in many banks. One of the ways that I make deposits is being vulnerable with my life. I'm usually okay discussing my life with people if I can judge them to be trustworthy. I had an evening hanging out with two friends who I'd never really met before. We sat on the floor of the kitchen, baked brownies, and talked a few hours into the night about our lives leading up to our brownie meetup. After that night, we considered ourselves close friends, finding that we were on the same wavelength in a lot of areas. That's genuine investment with payoff. I invested in being vulnerable, and they returned the favor, opening accounts of their own and depositing their lives and their trust. But over the past year, I've learned that others aren't as willing to open accounts in that fashion. Some prefer to make deposits in fun interactions or gifting. A discussion on love languages is probably needed here but you can Google that.
Now here's a question: is vulnerability necessary for a thriving relationship? Well according to what I said, no. And I believe that's right... duh. I'm coming to this realization as I write this. I prioritize my form of investment so far above others that I may sometimes lose sight of the other ways that people invest in me. Being an extroverted empath, I crave vulnerability. I desire that outward expression of trust and reliance. But for some, that may be hard to part with. That's what I'm in the process of learning.
Now... here's another question: is vulnerability necessary for a deep relationship? In my opinion, yes. So can I have a good relationship with someone who's not vulnerable? Yes. Can I have a deep relationship with them? I don't think so. Then... is that relationship worth investing your own vulnerability? That's hard to say. Is it possible to have the love languages without vulnerability? Is gifting/quality time/physical touch/words of affirmation/acts of service effective if you don't know the deeper reaches of a person? Gifting, I guess, can be pretty superficial. Quality time is subjective to what you mean by "quality". Physical touch definitely requires vulnerability. Words of affirmation require knowledge of the person's cares and insecurities. Acts of service functions in much the same way. There are different levels of vulnerability required, but it underlies most everything in relationships.
So when I invest vulnerability in a relationship and it isn't reciprocated, that can complicate things. That doesn't mean we can't have a solid respectable relationship, but I believe that that leaves a lot of potential on the table. Many of my brief relationships with people I meet are fine to leave at this level. But if I'm searching for a deep relationship somewhere, that lack of reciprocation stings. Which again, isn't to say that the person isn't unloving, but that there's something lacking in the department of honesty, trust, and/or confidence. Maybe they're not honest with themselves. Maybe they just need more time to build trust. Maybe a lack of confidence stifles their willingness to open up because of previous trauma.
And so I go on. I invest vulnerability in so many places only to have the returns be negligible. That's dangerous. That's painful. When they say "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" rings true in all forms of relationships. So do I regret it sometimes? Oh yes. Will I stop? No. Because this is my love. This is my calling. Yes, sometimes I'm bled dry, and I look around, sitting on a throne in a kingdom of one, lonely.
Ok yeah, that sounds dramatic and inspiring. Wow, so noble and sacrificial <3. You know I love to wax poetic. But of course there needs to be a lot of self-care in situations like this, which I've been learning but probably need to work on a lot more. It's a day-to-day struggle. But more than anything right now, I'm just trying to sit, listen, and understand. I didn't know it was hard for others to be vulnerable. I just thought I'm a trustworthy person! Why wouldn't someone trust me? and I was wrong to think that. Sometimes I have the willpower to wait on my investment, to listen. Other times I sadly choose to cancel or backtrack on my accounts.
It's a fine line that differs with every relationship. And I need to understand that line more and more each day.
Best Wishes!
~Richie