I realize that most of my posts on this blog are discoveries I've made, things that I've thought through to completion (at least, what I thought was completion which they definitely aren't), but I figure I'd write about something I'm struggling with because, if anything, vulnerability hopefully breeds growth.
Do you ever wonder how exactly to live out God's love and character in life?
Do you ever question if you're really being that vessel that you pray you are for His kingdom?
Because I'm asking that of myself right now.
I listened to a stirring testimony a couple Sabbaths ago by an evangelist who's never had more than five dollars to his name since he began ministry, and yet he's been able to travel the world and preach God's message. Travelling the world is alone a great feat, but to do it on a budget of five bucks and faith is something entirely out of my realm. Now, he acknowledged that his story should not be everyone's story but that it should be a testimony to living a life of faith. This had me wondering, How am I living a life of faith?
It was apparent to me that I am absolutely not living a life of faith. I pray every morning and every evening. I say grace before eating. I have a prayer list that I pray over before going to bed.
But I don't live a life of faith.
Laying things down at the feet of Jesus is tough... that's even putting it lightly.
One of my favorite preachers, Tim Keller, put it simply when he boiled down living the Christian life to two steps:
1. Believe in God
2. Believe God
I'm a sucker for profound sayings, but this hits me hard.
Yeah, step one. Believe in God. That's pretty easy to accomplish as a Christian. Someone comes up to you and asks, "Do you believe in God?" You respond, "Yeah I believe in God!" Check! Congratulations. You believe in God. Now of course, this is a heart issue and doesn't come down to what you say but what you really believe. There is most definitely a challenge in coming to believe in God, but this is where so many fall short. The challenge of believing in God is only the beginning. I don't need to go into detail, but we all know that God says that His followers will face many trials (John 16:33). So we should be convinced that we need to work on Step Two: Believe in God ASAP once we have declared our allegiance to Christ. It's tough, though.
Do you believe God when He says "Do not fear, for I am with you (Isaiah 43:2 and so many others)" when you're alone and struggling with an internal issue that no one understands?
Do you believe God when He says "I will give you wisdom (James 1:5)" when you're deciding on what school to go to?
You get the point. I also said I don't need to go into detail, BUT I DID ANYWAY. TAKE THAT READER.
For the past couple weeks, I've been hounding myself saying God, You're first. God, You're first. God, You're first. throughout my day because God would always be left for thought at the bookends of my day. I say I want God to be at the forefront of my thoughts and decisions but it doesn't come second-nature by any means. Being this intentional about making God first has been one of my greatest struggles in my spiritual life ever.
I've been meeting people who are absolute pillars of faith. Rock solid in where they stand in the Lord, and it's apparent to those around them who they follow. Then I looked at myself. Filthy rags. Absolutely. Filthy. is all I thought about my life. Now this is not to say that they are in any way super holy or whatnot, but it's just a reality check for me. And so I've had to do a lot of introspection into getting to know God better because I want to be a pillar of faith that others can look at too and not see me but see the kingdom on which the pillar is supported.
One of the aspects of living a life of faith is sharing. Last Sabbath, the speaker at church talked about 3 types of "sharers" in the church: the scared sharer, the zealous sharer, and the balanced sharer. They're relatively self-explanatory BUT I WILL GO INTO DETAIL, ANYWAY.
The scared sharer are those who shy away from exposing their commitment to God. The zealous sharer is one who overwhelms everyone around them with their passion for the Lord...
Sorry I just needed to put this in because it's what I thought a zealous sharer looked like, but you probably already had the idea when I said "zealous sharer" and didn't need this unnecessary photo to add to your conception of a zealous sharer... zealous sharer.
The balanced sharer is, of course, the "goldilocks zone" where the sharer shows that they live a life apart from the world, but they still draw in others of different viewpoints to see that there's something unique about their lives.
I used to work at summer camp. (You should've known I was gonna mention summer camp somewhere in here) My all-time favorite song was the "Crayon Box song". It's one of the more 'kiddy' songs we sing but I enjoy it because it tells a story, and I love songs that tell stories. The chorus of the song is like most other Christian color songs where the different colors represent different things. For instance, "red is the color of the blood that He shed, brown is for the crown of thorns they placed upon His head" so on and so forth. But the chorus ends on an ominous analogy. "Yellow is for the Christian who's afraid to tell." Okay first of all, what about the color yellow makes them afraid? (This may sound racist but I assure you, it's not racist) Second, I thought to myself Is that me? I sang this song for four years at camp, but had I always been the yellow crayon? Looking at my life, I didn't see many ways that I stood out as a Christian beyond the things I did when I was comfortable.
Just like the song, this post is going to end on an unsatisfactory note, because unlike other posts, I don't have a conclusion. I don't have a solution. Also, it's 2 AM and I need to sleep. Anyways, I'm working through it right now and probably will be working on it until the end of time. But I'll end on a thought anyway because I value you, the reader, and the propensity of your mind to desire a closed ending.
Tim Keller (man, I love his messages) gave a sermon on Psalm 88, and I take him for his word when he says that Psalm 88 is one of three psalms that doesn't end in triumph. Like, it's normal for even the most depressing psalms to end with some glorification of God, but in these three psalms, the endings are just brick walls of despair. These psalms aren't short psalms either. Psalm 88 is eighteen verses of hard-hitting, depression-driven text that scream despair and hurt. The very last line of the psalm reads "darkness is my closest friend." Seriously, this psalm lowers you into an abyss and you're just left at the end wondering So when do I get pulled up?... Hello? Why is this psalm included in the Bible? Why in the grand scheme of the Bible is this psalm here? The Bible is predicated on stories that highlight a drop into darkness followed by the triumphant return of our God. This psalm has. no. place. here. Or does it? It's something for God to show you many times over that "things will be okay", that "there's light at the end of the tunnel". It's another thing for an Almighty God to say "I know it hurts. It's dark. Let me show you I know that unending darkness. See this here? Psalm 88? Absolute, unending darkness. But I know what it is, and you just have to trust me. Trust that I know you better than you know yourself. Trust that I am watching out for you even when you don't feel me there. Trust that I will lead you into a life of faith."
Best Wishes!
~Richie
P.S. Wow I didn't post here at all in 2018. Sorry, blog. I will definitely post again before 2021.